Dear Lottie, I have a problem.

My brother is on death row in Sing Sing. My mother died from insanity in a metal health home when I was three years old. My twin sisters are prostitutes and my father is doing life for selling narcotics. I'm a model railroader and recently met this wonderful woman who has just been released from an institution where she was serving time for smothering her illegitimate child. My problem is this; Should I tell her that I model in HO scale?

Signed, Stan Dingproud

Dear Stan,

I would switch to S scale if I were you, then tell your true love the good news. Oh, I'd suggest that you start sleeping with one eye open!